| Hmm |
[17 Sep 2003|01:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
I was watching Snoop Dogg's show on MTV and it's "Doggy Fizzle Televizzle" or something like that...and then I thought about Justin and Sean's beat box on the MTV Movie Awards...which led me to this conclusion.
My izzle name is Lizzle or Lizzove. However, my boyfriend's is Jizzohn.
Jizz, for short.
I think I will call him that from now on. That sounds like a dandy idea.
I don't want him to go overseas. I should make him take me with him. I will now proceed to beg like a puppy dog.
OH! CHRIS CAME BACK! FOR LIKE....THIRTY SECONDS!!! And I wish he would stay! Because I'm here now, and that's what matters, yes? I didn't leave. Well...I did. But just for a minute. Hi Zac.
This update is worthless, just like me.
Goodnight.
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| Numb is the new deep |
[11 Sep 2003|04:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 numb |
] |
...somedays I feel like I don't even exist anymore.
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| Tickle me pink |
[06 Sep 2003|06:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 grumpy |
] |
I'm so annoyed, I'm so tired and I'm so frustrated. I think I'm PMSing. John is going through his little "Tour is over, I'm going to be all blah now" phase. I thought he would be HAPPY that the tour was over, but now he's all backed up with promo crap for the album and I think he just needs a break. He's tired...whether he is willing to admit it or not.
So yes, his CD, "Heavier Things" drops Tuesday. Buy it. Preorder it. Love it.
Listen to me, I sound like such a wench. Maybe I need a "break" too. I keep saying I'm going to go home, I'm going to go see Zac, I'm going to visit Brittany, but I haven't. Cuz I can't figure out where I really want to be, and that's a crappy-ish feeling. Because I love it here...but I miss it there, and I feel like no matter what I'm letting SOMEONE down, SOMEHOW. I can't please everyone, OK? :(
This whole journal thing doesn't help as much as it used to. I think I'm going to go see if I can get some cuddle time *devious grin*
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| Umm an update |
[30 Aug 2003|03:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 calm |
] |
So yes...the VMAs. I didn't go, John had a show. But we DID meet up with Justin and Pharrell afterwards to watch J's lil show and John actually played most of the set with him which was major cool. Pharrell also came up on stage and did the whole "Frontin'" thing...I loved it.
So in case you didn't guess, I never went home like I was going to...I promised John I'd finish out the tour with him and then I'm not sure what we're doing. He has like...a mini-break before he goes overseas :(
Talked to Brittany for like five seconds the other night :( I miss her...I'm gonna spend sometime with her after I'm done tagging along here...and I owe Zac a visit too. I miss Brittany so much, I hate when work and life and just...crap get in the way of things being like they were forever ago. I talked to Biwwy the other day and OMG I MISSED HIM. He really made me smile...said some really wonderful Billy-like things that just made my heart swell. I love that boy. I wish I could have seen him while we were all in NYC. Chris too...freakin' loner. :(
OK I'm sorry this update lacks...substance but I'm tired. And there's stuff on my mind I'd rather not talk about.
CONGRATS TO JUSTIN AND ALL THE WINNERS :D
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| Riiight |
[18 Aug 2003|12:21am] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
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music |
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Dela and John bickering about something |
] |
So I've been trying to stay easily amused on this tour with John but I think I've come to the end of my rope...Zac wants me to come home and I miss Brittany like mad and I hear she is back in LA so I'm thinking...I may go home. Just to see them and spend a little time with them if I can. I know it's wrong of me to think that I can just jolt home and have them there and waiting for me but...well I just hope they will still wanna see me even though I've been all MIA with John the past...err..month? I miss my mommy too, like crazy :(
Speaking of the past month, I have had so much fun...and the people on John's crew have made me feel so comfortable...it's like a 2nd home. Granted everyone seems to have a job to do but me, so I just hang around and take up space, supplying smooches here and there but it's still been a blast. The things these guys come up with to do on a bus is just...amazing. They've just wrapped up some sort of pie contest that I've actually just been trying to stay out of the way of. Things can get rather messy around here, if you aren't careful.
Erm, I haven't told John I'm leaving yet and I'm not exactly sure he's gonna be happy about it...I guess I should have talked to him before I updated huh? It's just...hard to get alone time with him and when I do, the last thing I want to think about is leaving. I love being with him. Even when we're both just in our PJ's, cuddling and talking and teasing each other about our quirks...I love it. And it's gonna suck to go home but I think it's what I need right now. If he'll have me...I'll come back in a few weeks. I'm sure he'd like the space too. It's like a catch 22. I wanna stay but I wanna go, he wants me to stay but...I'm sure he can handle me going. I'm gonna miss him.
I'm feeling good these days. I'm having fun and I feel relaxed and I'm just...content. Happy even. I just miss my friends.
Hi Chris and Billy. I miss you both.
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| Yes and no, up and down... |
[03 Aug 2003|02:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
My flight is supposed to leave in the morning. And I get this message on my voicemail after John and I get back to the hotel that says shooting is cancelled altogether. How wonderful. The movie has caved in...this is the 2nd time this has happened to me but at least it happened PRE-production this time instead of POST. *grumbles* I suppose I should just get over it, but it really frustates me to want something so badly or work so hard for something that can just be pulled out from under you so easily. Another one bites the dust I suppose. Maybe I can talk Jive into letting me do a little tour of some sort...hop over to Japan or Aussie...
...or maybe I should just take some time OFF. From EVERYTHING. Just...put LoveSpell projects on hold and find something else to do. Maybe John will even want me to stick around or something...maybe...Maybe I'll just go to Ireland on my own and kiss the freakin' Blarney Stone and hang out with Billy and Quinn and Chris if they even remember that I exist. Who knows...I hate when things happen this way. So short notice. I am such a planner and it feels like things are turned so upside down now...I should have seen it coming. They did say they cut the budget and I should have suspected they might flop the whole thing. I'm so naive.
( Here's the article or whatever )
On the other side of my life...the personal side...things have taken shape. I feel like I've wanted him so long and now that he's...'mine' I don't know what to do with myself. I know how he hates when I get cheesy or public about things. I just...I just really want him to know how much he means to me. How I've always wanted to be with him, never really gave up on him. How things were always alright between us, even though we're both scared and even though he's had to walk away...I've always understood and I've always respected him for taking anytime he's needed. It's ridiculous how much fate has played into this and he and I were joking around about it earlier but it's TRUE. I would take you through it step by step but I don't want to bore you and the past doesn't matter anymore. It's all about the future and just enjoying each other here and now. ( And I think we're a darn cute couple :-* )
Goodnight all, let's see what tomorrow can bring me.
Yo D-Dogg. I'm still yo LaTrina fah life.
Edit:: Zac is probably one of my greatest friends ever. Cuz uh...when I was feeling down, he came to my rescue and brought me a rose and a teddybear and got me away from all the madness for a night. Whoever would fly halfway across the country to do that wins. So...he wins. <3
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| Here's why I'm frustrated |
[30 Jul 2003|04:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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grumpy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Craving--O Town :\ |
] |
I know that he's busy and that I am intruding on his time by being here. I realize this. I just...well I'm not angry I'm just frustrated. Because after shows and stuff he COULD spend time with me...it's like he's not making much of an effort. And maybe it's just me looking too much into things again. Or maybe this is just the third time he's walking away from me.
Maybe he doesn't want me here anymore and I'm missing the hint. But that's bull cuz if he wants me gone, he should just say so. I'd be more than happy to leave.
Let's call it a day
I'll pack my bags be on my way
Sure don't need to stay
Where I'm not welcome anyway
I hate that I let myself feel. I wish I had a switch and I could just turn it off and forget all about everyone who has the power to hurt me. Because I don't know who is worthy of that power.
Don't you believe me when I tell you I adore you and would do anything for you? Don't you get that you mean the world to me?? If you get it then why do you refuse to let me in? This goes for almost EVERYONE.
John.
Chris.
Billy.
Zac.
Brittany.
David.
You guys are my freaking life. You guys mean so much to me it's sick and I wonder if each of you really know that you mean that much to me. And some of you are really shutting me out right now, some of you are downright ignoring me and pretending I don't exist and I would never do that to you. It hurts...it really hurts.
Maybe I've shut myself off...maybe this is my fault. All I know is that the only two people that I have talked to in the past 2 days are Brittany and David and that's screwy when I'm actually in the same ROOM with someone else more often then these two. I miss my friends and I'm leaving for Ireland soon and I feel like I'm only going to be FARTHER away then I am now. And I'm not just talking physically.
I don't want to post my feelings here. I want to look you in the eye and tell you how I feel. I want to read the expression on your face and watch your reaction. I want you to answer me directly instead of checking my email and praying for a response that I know I'll never get. I don't want to leave without telling you these things...and whatever your reaction is, I can handle it...I just want to have that chance. Don't you think you could give me that much??
I always say too much and I always regret it later. I wish I could just make everyone happy, including myself. I am so done with this entry it's ridiculous.
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| mmm a quickie from Super Love <3 |
[27 Jul 2003|04:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
GreenDay--When I Come Around |
] |
This is going to be a quick update.
I’m still on tour with John…and I’m still having a lot of fun. A lot of fun. I talked to Mandy about it all for a little while last night, which was sort of odd. I mean, you would think I would talk to one of my besties about it but I’m sure they have heard enough…and for the most part I’m keeping it to myself. I’m very vulnerable and I’m the first to admit that. It’s unnerving not to know how someone feels about you and be too afraid to ask. Maybe I don’t want the answer. It’s terrifying. Enjoy now, question later, right? Or...don’t question at all? Maybe in a perfect world…but I’m too insecure to go on not knowing.
Maybe that’s a problem. Maybe I should just know but it’s been so back and forth with us that I’m afraid to make assumptions. It’s like as soon as I get comfortable with how I feel about him or the situation, I end up regretting it. I wonder if he runs or I run…I wonder a lot of things.
Whoa hello, please babble on about very private stuff that you just claimed to be keeping to yourself >:O
I MISS BRITTIFER!! I think we’re going to do a film together…I don’t even care what it is, I just think we need to hop onto the screen and be best friends there too. I wonder if my best friend knows I worship her! I also miss CHRISTOPHER! I hate when he goes MIA, I get all worried and such :( And I love Biwwy and Zac. Zac is my Will, I am his Grace.
This update was longer than I expected it to be and I probably shouldn’t post it but I’m dumb so I will.
PS. Mandy Moore is beautiful and wise beyond her years. The end.
EDIT:: This is what happens when I get bored:: New Layout. I look ridiculous as usual.
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| Perforation doesn't always make the breaking easier |
[20 Jul 2003|03:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jessica Simpson--The Sweetest Sin |
] |
So I went to Europe to see Biwwy and Chris and for the most part I had a really good time. I did, however, end up leaving early because I felt the need to come home before going to Ireland, for quite a few reasons. I missed my mom, my puppy, my bestie and I really shouldn't have went to Europe to begin with. I should have just enjoyed my home time as much as possible before leaving for Ireland for "8 weeks." I'll explain the quotes later.
Much to my pleasant surprise I found that John was on his way back into town on tour when I got there and I'm glad to say we both took advantage of that time. He even had a day off...it was a small taste of fate if I may say so myself. Since then we've been a little...attached at the hip and I'm really enjoying it. I forgot how it felt to be in his presence, to be surrounded by him. He's said some amazing things to me in the past few days, things about myself, about our past together, about how he feels about us now. Things that really got to me and reminded me how wonderful a person he is. I think we're both fully aware that this may be our last chance. It's almost as if we are afraid to touch each other at times...it's like we're both very fragile and aware of how brittle the situation is. We're taking things slow because...if it doesn't work out with us this time...it never may. And I know that I don't want to lose him again.
There are still some matters of heart I have to finish working through but that gets easier every single day and with every moment I spend with John. I'm a big girl. I can see when it's not my place. I know my place and I'm happy here.
As for my "8 weeks" in Ireland, it's gonna be a lot shorter than originally thought which is actually a huge relief. They did some budget cuts and only want me out there for the month of August. I don't have a huge role, so with the downsizing they want to get me in and out of there as fast as possible, which is just fine with me. There's even a small chance that I won't even need to stay the whole month but *crosses fingers* we will see. Hopefully Biwwy, Quinn and Chris will still feel up to coming to see me in Ireland as planned and maybe Zac can come with them...cuz I'm gonna miss the crap outta that kid too. He's such a doll...people who don't know him are missing out. Every girl should have a Zac. Pishaw.
So...I'm spending my last week in the states on the road with John. It's exciting, I've never really been on a real tour before and watching him do his thing really makes me smile. The extra time with him is...it's a blessing and I'm happy he actually wants me here. Today he even took the liberty of pointing me out to the entire crowd >:O :-* I was so embarrassed, I'm sure I was redder than a stop light. But it was sweet, it showed me that he was proud to have me there supporting him and that means the world to me.
OK...that was a lot of babble...I'm off to bed now...OH! And seriously, Brittany. Thank you again for being the bestest best bestie ever. Because without you I would literally crumble. I love you more than a fat mouse loves cheese. Or something? Right.
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| EUROPE BABY!!! |
[11 Jul 2003|04:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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<333 Crush--Mandy Moore <333 |
] |
Shows in Kansas are only fun if Brittany is there. I screwed up on "First Time" I totally forgot the beginning of the song and they had to restart the whole thing. I felt like such a moron. But Brittany and I went out and got uber large shakes afterwards and it made me feel MUCH better. I love talking to her so much. I have a lot of friends but...no one has known me for as long as she has and no one quite sees through me like she does. <3
Then I came back to LA with her to grab the last of my things, hung out with David D. He's a nice guy...*shrugs a little* Yeah.
Caught this LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG flight to Europe and landed my butt on Billy's lil couch complaining about stuff I shouldn't even TALK about. This of course was AFTER I tackled him with numerous hugs cuz I MISSED HIM! Seriously whoo it's good to see him...good to talk to him face to face. He's moving in with Quinn and I'm so excited for them. They are so ridiculously happy. They don't deserve anything screwing with that happiness Capiche?
Yeah. I was really looking forward to seeing Chris as soon as I hopped off that plane too but he was nowhere to be found. Everyone go attack his journal for lurking to change his icons but never coming directly online. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) gc_chris That's right folks. GO GET HIM!! *laughs* Seriously though, I fly to Europe and I don't even get a hug!? *growls* You better bring me some donuts boy...or something. I think he had something wrong with his equipment or his drumset or something cuz I couldn't find him all day...Oh well I'm sure he and I will get to spend some time together and...if not...we still have Ireland. I got my Biwwy and I'm GLEEFUL about that!
Spent some quality time with John before I left which was..a pleasant surprise, to say the least. We've been talking so much more and I think we're both serious about keeping in touch even though we're so far away. Please don't make me look like a fool for writing that John, OK? *laughs* He kills me though, he knows me really well...
I'm really lucky to have so many people know me as well as they do, you know? I mean...Brittany I have known for a million and a half years, that girl knows EVERYTHING about me AND my past. Billy and I clicked instantly. Same thing with Chris. Yeah..and then John well...He knows all my little rituals and my mannerisms. *shrugs* I feel really blessed right now.
Whoa HI this update is LONG. It's like 9am something here and I'm not tired. Why? Because it's barely 2 back home. I can't keep up with this timezone crap. Goodnight morning. I think. Whatever.
|
|
| Time for your update. |
[08 Jul 2003|01:41pm] |
|
So I know you are all pumped that I'm updating this thing, right? Right.
But watch out. It's going to be simple and unemotional because my emotions are too..private right now. So here 'goes.
1. I'm leaving for Kansas tomorrow. Edit:: AND BRITTANY IS COMING WITH ME CUZ SHE IS MY BESTIE
2. After Kansas I am going to Europe to see my Billy and my Chris.
3. After Europe I head to Ireland until September to film.
4. Biwwy and Quinn and Chris are coming to Ireland to visit me in a few weeks!
And here are some tasty little tidbits that may be slightly emotional.
1. I love Biwwy cuz he's gurrrrrrreat.
2. I love Quinn cuz Biwwy loves Quinn...and that's all I need to know.
3. I miss talking to Chris. A lot.
4. I'm reallllllly excited to go to Europe and see the guys.
5. I'm even MORE excited that they love me enough to come visit me.
6. I've been spending time with John again and I think I'm going to miss it.
EDIT:: 7. I love Brittany. Like wo.
8. I'm confused about something. Still. Again. Whatever.
..The End..
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| Right. |
[01 Jul 2003|03:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Finch--Stay With Me |
] |
So I'm pretty...annoyed. Or something. I don't know I just feel let down.
So I really liked Chad. Like...more than I have liked anyone in a really long time. I get the vibe that he likes me back. We talk for hours. We cuddle. We flirt. It's nice. He then procedes to fall off the face of the earth and be too busy to call me or talk to me in any way, shape or form. He then comes back to life and says we need to talk...and then dies again? *scratches head* Ok that's not confusing at all.
And then there is John. We go out for...awhile. He says he can't take dating me because it's like "living in a fish bowl" and that it feels like someone is always watching us. I'm a great girl yadda yadda but he really doesn't see us working out...we live on opposite coasts, his career is taking off, excuse excuse. OK. So then...he comes around again. Asks me to come to NYC. I do. It's nice, we talk, we joke, we feel comfy. I tell him I miss him. I miss us. He says he does too. Then I come back to LA and he stops talking to me. THEN he comes back to life, tells me he's in LA and wants to stop by. I'm excited. He never comes over....*blinks* OK?
I really don't know what is going on in my head or in my heart. It's not like...I had either of these guys but it was like...there, ya know? On the tip of my tongue, on the edge of maybe, hovering on what if? Does this make any sense?
I am really beginning to think something is wrong with me. It's not like I expected anything from either of them...from anyone. I mean, beyond at least keeping in contact with me or being up front with me...is that really too much to ask? gah!
My whole life all I've wanted is to fall in love. Real, true, hardcore fairy tale love. I'm not about to just OFFER myself up to just anyone though, it's not like that. When it's right, it's just..right. *shrugs* I'm frustrated because I see potential in areas that obviously aren't responding and I'm always left empty handed. Guess things just aren't...right.
Not to mention...the fact that I've been having thoughts about a guy who I really shouldn't because it's one of those situations where you just don't cross that line ya know? Cuz he's...*blinks* I'm stopping this entry right here.
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| ehhhhhh |
[25 Jun 2003|05:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
I really don't like myself right now.
Edit:: So here's why. Heh. I should share, right?
I didn't tell Chad I was leaving. I tried calling him when I got to NYC and he didn't answer...I left a message and he didn't call back. I called again when I landed in LA. Still nothing. So I don't know if he's angry with me or if he even thinks I did anything wrong and now I'm babbling on in my journal about it like anyone even cares *sighs*
I am fairly certain I don't do anything right *nods*
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| Pierced from the middle, frozen on the inside |
[24 Jun 2003|03:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Underwater Silence--AudioVent |
] |
I'm frustrated. That can be written down officially but my agent will answer all other questions. Thank you for your time.
I feel like I tripped and fell and lost a part of myself. *pauses, rereading that* Wow, I guess that's exactly what I did, hmm?
I'm dumb and I should never have said how I was feeling. To him or to anyone. I'm sure it was just the old familiarity rushing back to me...that twisted me in a knot the way it did. It's really easy to remember the good isn't it? *nods slightly, twisting her hair between her fingers* Seeing John was like stirring up this part of me that has been buried since...well since we were together. *shrugs slightly* It felt really nice to joke and be casual with him. Comfortable. It really was.
...Until I went and ruined it...
Being home has already helped. I can feel myself growing apart from those old feelings a teenie tiny bit and I'm not sure if I'm tearing myself from them or if they are leaving willingly. *sucks on her bottom lip* I'm scared though, that maybe I missed something...? I dunno. He hasn't brought it up and I'm not. Not again.
It's sort of hard to find someone who will understand your babble on any level..so when someone takes the time out to listen, it's...settling *nods quickly* It's very nice. So thank you Chris for that. *smiles*
Maybe I'm just not good enough for anyone...
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| *blinks* |
[18 Jun 2003|04:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
Uh...John asked me to come visit him in New York.
So I'm going...? *nods a little*
OK. I'll be home next week.
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| *shakes it fast* |
[17 Jun 2003|04:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
So I'm in a really good mood. I really like talking to him. I adore the beginning of a relationship (hi I HOPE it's just the beginning) where we get to just sit and talk and cuddle. *smiles* Actually I like that at any point in any relationship.
I didn't even know Chad was in LA. He said he wanted his alone time so *shrugs* I gave it to him. But he called. *smiles* I was really excited when he called, despite myself. He came over and we watched a movie and we talked about what we wanted our futures to be like. Could have been a rather terrifying conversation but it wasn't related to us together or anything so...instead of terrifying it was nice.
Except that it made me miss my dad so much and wonder what it would have been like to have him around growning up :(
Anyways...my cuddle buddy has been replaced for the night. *smiles* and I'm really excited about it. Sorry E you know I love you. :)
Hey Maggs, the movie we watched was Donnie Darko. Hi you're wonderful! <3
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| Sing me a song you're the piano man |
[15 Jun 2003|01:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Stone Cold--The Deuce Project [haha Katie <3] |
] |
I'm antsy. I'm on edge. I have had a perma-headache for the past few days, and
I'm lonely
This isn't some sort of singles add so please don't comment here offering your body or your heart. I'm not in the mood.
I just really want someone who cares. Someone who I click with *wrinkles her nose* I hate that I felt some sort of dumb connection with him, and that he seems to just want to be alone. I hate how I get ahead of myself and get school girl crushes that shouldn't even be there. It just felt really nice to cuddle.
Speaking of cuddling, my mom is in the Bahamas and she took my dog with her >:O So I'm in this huge house all alone and it kills me to come home to the echo. The other night I had my good friend E stay w/me and it was nice to just have another warm body in the house.
I'm stopping this entry right now cuz it already says way too much.
PS. Happy Father's day you no good piece of poo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIWWY!
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| RAWR! |
[09 Jun 2003|02:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Screamer---Good Charlotte |
] |
So I recently spent a few nights with Chad on tour, and I really had a good time. It really made me forget about a lot of the stuff that has been going on with work, which has been such a whirlwind for me lately. Not that his touring wasn't a whirlwind, just that I got to take a step back and watch him work, instead of the responsibility being on my shoulders for once.
He and I literally talked so much it was amazing. It's not too common that I find someone with that many stories to tell or someone that willing to share their thoughts with me and willing to listen to mine. *shrugs* It's just really nice...and now I miss him a little.
In other news, ERIC is here and I'm really excited about that because I have known him...forever. Kids Inc, Trojan War, Can't Hardly Wait, etc etc. It's really good to have him around again, I really missed him. He's one of those childhood friends that drift in and out of your life and I really hope he sticks around this time, cuz he's important to me, whether he knew it all along or not.
OK hi, I'm done getting all Lifetime now. :-* I need a shower.
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| Quickie anyone? |
[06 Jun 2003|04:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
The more I hang out with Chad, the more comfortable I feel. He's really smart and there's some sort of connection there and I really appreciate it. It's growing everyday and I'm just enjoying it.
I don't really have much else to say, this down time has been such a blessing. I'm going to crawl into bed now and try to sleep as long as possible. *smiles*
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